NEW

Chronic Masturbation Comes Back to Haunt White Sox

(Chicago, IL) - Last week, Chicago White Sox star and possible American League MVP Carlos Quentin went down with a wrist injury. But it wasn’t until late in the week that the truth about the injury was revealed - both in severity and cause.

Quentin’s wrist was broken and would require likely season-ending surgery. How could this cruel joke have happened to the White Sox; to such an important player at such a critical juncture? But more importantly, how did the injury really happen? Read more »

Cubs

Cubs Nation’s Collective Panties Thoroughly Bunched

(Chicago, IL) - Chicago Cubs fans everywhere have bent, shifted, squated, and tugged feverishly this week, trying desperately to undo the pain they are suffering. The pain of a losing streak. The pain of injured starting pitchers. The pain of a manager who won’t stop using Bobby Howry.

And the pain of panties that are so far bunched up Cubs Nations’ collective ass that they may never see the light of day again… until next year. Read more »

Baseball

Chronic Masturbation Comes Back to Haunt White Sox

(Chicago, IL) - Last week, Chicago White Sox star and possible American League MVP Carlos Quentin went down with a wrist injury. But it wasn’t until late in the week that the truth about the injury was revealed - both in severity and cause.

Quentin’s wrist was broken and would require likely season-ending surgery. How could this cruel joke have happened to the White Sox; to such an important player at such a critical juncture? But more importantly, how did the injury really happen? Read more »

Football

New York to Deal with Unwanted Media Attention as Brett Favre Arrives

(New York, NY) - With a trade to the New York Jets, the Brett Favre saga is finally at a close.

Or is it?

Sure, we now know what will happen with Favre vis a vis the Packers - they dumped him as unceremoniously as a middle school girlfriend - but how what happens in his new home, New York? Read more »

Basketball

Chicago Bulls Decide to Go Very Young in NBA Draft - Take Freshman Derrick Rose in First, Zygote in Second

(New York, NY) - The 2008 NBA Draft went off last night without a hitch, and many teams dramatically improved their overall situation with draft-day deals. But the storyline dominating the draft was the emergence of young stars as the players every team was targeting. A record 12 freshman were drafted, and it was the first time ever that freshman went 1-2-3 in the draft - though freshman Greg Oden and Kevin Durant went 1-2 last year.

The first freshman selected was Memphis point guard, Derrick Rose, who went to the Bulls with the first overall selection. Clearly interested in “going young” in the draft, the Bulls then set their sites on an even younger target: a zygote. Read more »

Other

Michael Phelps Wins Record-Breaking Eight Gold Medals, but Has to Shave Arms to Do It

(Beijing, China) - It was a record-smashing week in Beijing for U.S. Men’s Swimming superstar Michael Phelps. When he secured his eighth gold medal on Sunday, he broke Mark Spitz’s 36-year-old record for gold medals in a single Olympics. The nation - perhaps the world - cheered Phelps on, and watched in a amazement at his historic accomplishment.

But this story has an ugly side that the mainstream media refuses to report. Read more »